When I was fifteen, my mother drank herself to death.
This came after years of alcohol and substance abuse. She was shooting up by
the time I was twelve. Different man
paying for it every night.
They took my younger brother, Tony, into care after that.
Separated us.
They put me with a couple of newly-weds. It was what she
wanted. Joanna. She loved the idea of me, but she couldn’t handle the reality.
I wasn’t the cute kid she needed to look up to her. I was rough and awkward,
and I’d had a shit time of it. I was angry. More angry than you could imagine.
Three kitchen windows and an expensive vase later, she
tried to hand me back to Services, but I was almost sixteen by that point. I
was having none of it.
It was a totally different story for Tony. He was younger
– only nine. He’d landed on his feet. A lawyer and a doctor. They really loved
him, and he hadn’t quite hit that difficult age, so he bonded.
I wasn’t about to screw that up. I knew he had real prospects there.
That’s how I came to be sitting outside The Vivid Orchid
that Tuesday evening, eight years later.
The Street does stuff to you, over time. First off – it
ages you. Twenty-three, going on forty. I’d sniffed a few bags of glue over the
years. Quite a few. My cheeks never really filled out again after that. It
always looked like I was sucking them in, the hollows made darker by a layer of
growth. You could have scoured pans with my chin.
The second thing the Street does to you, is it hardens
you. Not a lot gets through. You sit, you stare, you listen – but you don’t say
much. From the doorway of any town you can watch the whole of human life walk
past. You see everything, but nobody ever sees you.
There was this woman once. She looked like one of those
high-flying business ladies. Pin-striped suit, pencil skirt, with those high bang
bang shoes. Fancy, like.
Anyway, the street was really quiet. It had rained a
while before and the temperature had dropped. The only people out were the ones
hurrying to get home. I remember I could see my breath.
Next thing I know, she dips down this alley opposite, hitches up her skirt, squats, and pisses right there on the ground.
I thought I’d imagined it for a moment. Then I wondered
if maybe she was pregnant or something. You know, the police are allowed to
make exceptions on the Public Order Offence if it’s a pregnant woman. They’re
allowed to piss in the street if they need to.
When she’d finished, she straightened up and smoothed her
skirt back into place. As she walked out of the alley, she looked up and saw
me.
She smiled.
And that’s when I knew she’d done it for kicks. That’s
the thing, see – business suits. The higher they go, the less exciting it
becomes. Soon they know everything they need to know, they’ve proven themselves
enough times, they’ve bought everything they wanted to own – where’s the fun?
A friend once told me that accountants have the most
number of body piercings of any profession. But they’re all hidden under their
clothes. You go to pay your cheque in at the local bank, and Stanley there’s
sitting with a thumping lump of metal through his big fat cock. Elizabeth has a
belly stud. Hugo probably got his buttocks stapled together. They jangle like
loose change when he walks.
I can understand that. Being on the street is much the
same, only the other end of it all. They’ve gone so high they can’t feel anything.
I’ve sunk so low.
It’s funny that the only time you’re truly living is in
the middle.
So, there I was, sitting outside The Vivid Orchid. Shit
name for a bar. It was already dark, and the blue neon strips around the window
made me think of those fly zappers. You know, the ones they plug in behind the
counter at the Chinese take-away? They hum all the time, then a fly hits them
and zap.
It made me smile, because the bar was a lot like a fly
trap in other ways, too. That sweet nectar, alcohol, drawing the insects.
I watched them crawling in and out of the front door like
ants from a nest. Between my legs sat a plastic bag, shielding a bottle of
White Lightning. The warmth from my thighs caused the aroma to rise: sour, like
the vomit it would probably produce in an hour’s time.
Some days I thought about my mother. Some days I wanted
to join her. Sure, I was angry, but I could understand it. I mean, when you
stop to think about it – I mean really
stop – this life is a bit shit. Even if you’re born into a great family, with all
the money and love you want, you still lose people. It doesn’t last. You get a
taste of being young and powerful – full of potential – then you spend the next
sixty years watching everything slowly slip away from you. Growing old, going
lame, getting grey – and dying. It’s like one big, cruel joke. Only who’s
laughing?
I think my mother felt that deeply. Nothing in her life
had quite turned out the way it was meant to. She’d been a stunner when she was
a kid, I’d seen the photos. But it attracted the wrong sort of attention.
Brought her a lot of sorrow and hardship. Then she started aging, and the one
thing she had going for her – her looks – began to vanish. She became just
another frumpy mother on benefits, screaming kids to feed, no fella.
Nothing to look forward to.
When you take the future away from people, they can
either live in the past, or give up living entirely.
Mum gave up. Pure and simple. I can’t blame her for that.
Not any more. We’re all going to the same place eventually, just takes some of
us a little longer to get there.
Me, I hadn’t quite decided whether I was walking or
running yet. Mostly, I was just sitting. In doorways. Arse getting colder,
cider getting warmer, nights feeling longer.
A girl tripped on the step to the bar and a young bloke
caught her. She giggled and he pressed her against the doorway, kissing her
hard.
I felt something stir. For a moment I wanted to take his
place – show him how it’s done. Drunken kids like that – no respect for women.
Women – no respect for me. When they do chance to glance down, the look on
their face tells me all I need to know. I’m the shit on their stilettos. If I’m
lucky, they throw me a coin.
“Yo, mate. You look like you need cheering up.”
It’s some meow meow baked junky kid. You can tell by the
way they twitch. All Burberried out and blinged up.
I don’t say anything, but I keep my eye on him. Sometimes
these ones can turn violent. Like the Skinheads and Snow Whites. Sometimes they
just lash out. I don’t interfere with anybody’s business, so I’m always
suspicious when someone interferes with mine. Just keep on walking, dick.
“What’s up, man? Someone die?”
“No.”
“Well then, what? You look fuckin’ miserable.”
I shrug.
“Hey, I’m talking to you.”
I avert my eyes, hoping he’ll get bored.
“Aw, look mate – I never meant to upset you. Here. Take
this. It’ll make you feel better.”
He drops a small, plastic pouch to the floor.
“Hope you’re better soon,” he says, and walks off.
I reach for the packet.
There’s a square of patterned paper in it. A tab.
I don’t do drugs. Not anymore. The problem with drugs is
that they make you feel things. I hate Ecstasy the most. That sense of absolute
love that wells up inside of you. The point where you cry and grind your teeth
with joy.
That’s a cruel drug.
Because the world’s not like that. People don’t feel that
way about each other. When you come back to reality it’s like a little piece of
you was killed off. You look around and all you see are unhappy people, unhappy
faces.
I stare at it for a moment. Some nob smashes a bottle
outside the club, and I think why the
fuck not?
I slide it out, place it on my tongue, and wash it down
with a swig of cider. Battery Acid. The homeless man’s cocktail.
It wasn’t long before I felt the sides of my nose start
to prickle. I sipped more cider until my arms became heavy and I found myself
staring ahead at the bright blue lights. Like a river. A bright, blue,
electrical river. Shimmering and twisting in erratic patterns through the
stellar universe to the sun portal of an orchid…
I took a deep breath and felt my chest rise like a helium
balloon.
But wait – there! Emerging from the shadows – small, dark
people. Elves!
Dancing and laughing and singing in bewitching lines as
they fall into the sun.
I became aware of the rough, cold surface beneath my
fingertips. I moved my hand from side to side, taking comfort in the strong,
stony earth upon which I sat. This mound; this doorstep Rock of Ages. The
central support of my world, upon which I sat, wise and sentient.
Through the jungle leaves I watched these mischievous
beings, tripping along the river, back into the heart of the Everlasting
Flower. I was jealous. These impish beings were having so much fun. Born of
shadow, melting back into shadow. One minute there, the next – gone. So at ease
with the transience of their own existence.
I wanted to be one of them.
I wanted to be an elf.
Climbing down from my rock, I floated towards them, swept
along in the current. At first I thought the elves had vanished, but as I drew
closer to the sun, their eyes peered out of the darkness at me. Sharp little
faces, with ruby red lips and rows of white, pointed teeth.
Then WHAM.
Sucked into the sun. Through the gaping mirror into a world of elves. Deep
beneath the earth, the roots of trees snaking their way across a dance floor
where tall fay creatures in sparkling dresses swayed like trees in an ephemeral
breeze.
I took another deep breath. The warm, balmy air of this subterranean
paradise melting into my lungs.
A crackle of laughter, and a hand on my shoulder.
“A drink?”
“Sure.”
In my hand, a pint of white liquid. Milk of the sun? I
sipped.
Rum.
“…ever been before…”
“…forever…”
“…in time…”
“…nowhere… over there…”
Their words swam and danced behind my ears.
The world tumbled and reeled, and I threw myself into it
with all the enthusiasm of a young child. Drowning in the noise, spinning in
sound. I reached out to catch fairies as they sped past, just beyond my reach.
Following their little lights around the cave.
Had I done something wrong?
I sensed the Ogre before I saw him. A big, meaty man with
a contorted face like strained rubber. He began to come towards me. Each stomp
of his foot shook the foundations of the cavern. I worried that the roots would
not hold back the weight of earth. Would we be buried alive?
In panic, I turned, searching for a way back through the
sun.
“Follow me.” A soft hand in mine.
Together we fly – our feet never touching the ground –
out into the safety of the Midnight Jungle, where glass glitters like broken ice
on the once-electric lake.
“You looked like you needed help,” she smiles.
“I did. I needed you.” I smile back.
She is beautiful.
Not at all like an elf. Straight, black hair curtains her
moonlit face. Blood-red lips where she has sucked pomegranate juice from the
breasts of beasts.
“Are you alright?”
“Elves.” I tell her.
She smiles again.
“Oh, elves. I get those all the time.”
“You do?”
She nods.
I feel as though I know her. As though I’ve always known
her.
“Wait here,” she says.
“No, please. Don’t go!”
“Are you going to be sick?”
“No.” I frown and my eyebrows crawl into my mouth like
hairy caterpillars.
“Well, you can’t come with me.”
“Why not? Where are you going?”
“It’s not important. Just wait here.”
But I can’t. I don’t think that she’s an elf, but I can’t
be sure. She could just as easily vanish into the darkness like the others, and
I’d never be able to find her again. So I follow her.
I try to stay at a distance, but I think she knows. She keeps
looking over her shoulder. I try to stay invisible by holding my breath, but I
can’t be sure that she doesn’t have magical senses.
She walks into a cone of shades, at the end of which stands
a tall man with black holes for eyes. I watch them talk. She gives him money
and he slips her something, which she puts in her pocket.
I feel cold. I long for the warmth of the sun, and the
dancing fairies.
“Come on, let’s go.” I don’t want to. “Shit. I said ‘let’s go.’”
She is melting. Her hair seems stuck to her face and her
body starts dripping onto the concrete beneath our feet.
“We need to go!”
I panic. Why is she melting?
“Come on, I’m soaking.”
“You are?”
She stares at me, eyes aglow.
“It’s raining.”
I don’t feel wet.
She takes my hand and we run. My feet pound the puddles,
each one sending up a shatter of diamonds.
We dive into a cab.
She lets me lie on her bed, naked. I know I’m naked
because I have my piece in my hand. Like the Etz Chaim from whence all life springs forth onto the land. This
huge trunk, rough with bark and surrounded by scrubland. Only, it’s soft and
fleshy and malleable, and I’ve lost interest.
She isn’t interested either. There are snowflakes up her
nose. She’s lying back in superlative comfort, her pointed breasts like
inverted ice-cream cones. Once again she’s melting – all over the covers. Her
strawberry scent dripping down onto the duvet like a month of sundaes.
I crawl on my belly to lick it up.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
I stop sucking the sheets.
“You shouldn’t take that stuff, you know? It’s no good
for you.”
“I’m not the one sucking linen.”
“I could suck you.”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
There’s not much of her. She’s child-like.
Dollish.
I close my eyes and an explosion of psychedelic fractals
light my path.
“Glorious,” I whisper.
Suddenly it’s cold.
Very cold.
“Screaming, arsing hell!”
I’m naked. On a cromlech.
A slab of volcanic rock weighing four tons. I know this,
because it says so on the tourist board opposite. Some ancient burial chamber
previously known as the Kennel of the Greyhound Bitch, in Welsh.
Bitch indeed. Where are my clothes? Where is my willy? It
seems to have retracted inside for warmth.
I scramble down from the capstone and immediately slip in
the mud. My buttocks imprint themselves on the landscape.
“Arse!”
“Do you need some help, lovely?”
I stare up at a round-faced crone in her mid-seventies.
She’s got those rosy-apple cheeks. Y’know, the ones that just scream ‘healthy
human being’. The type that don’t smoke, shoot up, or drink more than the
occasional hot toddy of an evening.
“No. Thank you. I’m fine.”
“Some clothes, perhaps?”
It’s too late to save my modesty. We both stare down at
the small boy nestled in my lap.
“That’s not such a bad idea,” I’m forced to admit.
In the soft fire-glow of her kitchen, I struggle into her
deceased husband’s trousers. The guy must have been a beanpole.
“Another cup of tea?” she asks.
“No, thanks.” After I manage to get the button done up, I
ask: “Where am I?”
“Tinkinswood.”
“Great. Where’s that?”
“About ten miles out of Cardiff, love.”
I stare at her.
How. The. Hell. Did I get here?
“Shouldn’t worry,” she smiles. “You just got carried away
by the elves.”
I feel myself pale. How does she know about the elves?
“You’d be surprised how often that happens. We find
someone out here every other week, it seems.”
“We?”
“Well, my husband and I, before he passed.”
I reach for the jacket. It’s too tight across the
shoulder, and too long at the waist, but I cramp myself into it anyway.
“Right, well. Thanks for all of this. What should I do,
post them back to you?”
“Oh, no lovely.”
I’m only half listening as I move towards the door. “You
mean I can keep them?”
“Not exactly.”
I reach for the door knob. I turn, but it’s locked.
“Do you have a key for this thing?”
“You won’t be needing a key.”
I turn back to her. For the first time, a hint of
something familiar hits me. Despite her round face, she’s sort of small.
Dollish.
“I need to leave now,” I say.
“Well, that is unfortunate.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you can’t.”
I try the handle again.
It’s definitely stuck.
“Sit down, deary. Another cup of tea?”
“Tea? Why the fuck would I want tea?”
“No need for language like that. Besides, you’ve already
had one. And one’s all it takes.”
“What do you mean?”
She smiles, a row of tiny, pin-like teeth.
“Who the hell are you?”
“Huldra, sweet thing. I’ve had many husbands, and you’re
a fitting addition.”
Ice shoots down my spine.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that fairies are terrible
tricksters? Never accept food or drink from the likes of us.”
I clench both fists around the handle and twist with all
my might. Falling to my knees, I press my face to the keyhole.
Far down in the valley, I spy a thick circle of trees in
a field. Just at the edge of those trees, I see a little girl.
“Help!” I cry, hammering against the door. “Help me!”
She turns away.
